It's funny how it's possible to be simultaneously filled with excited and joyous anticipation for the move to Germany and starting our adventure there and also at the same time so incredibly sad and almost mournful about leaving our current situation. But I guess I'm not sad about leaving the situation so much as the people.
Our families threw us a goodbye barbecue bash a week ago, which was fabulous fun and gave us an opportunity to see some family and friends that we don't see very often. We had a great time and it was lovely to see them all, but it still didn't really register that we were leaving because I knew I'd see many of them again before the big move and the rest were people that I love but don't see very often anyway.
It started on Friday, the last day that Stefan and I stayed at my parents' house before switching to staying with his parents. I was alone in the house, playing the piano that I grew up playing, knowing that this might be one of the last times I get to stay in this house (since they will likely sell it in a couple years) and how much I will miss my parents. And I started crying hard, even while I continued to play the piano. It really hit me.
Since then it hasn't taken much to set me crying.
Yesterday really got me though. Our church had a "day of healing" which was a partnered event between our healing rooms (of which I am a volunteer minister) and our House of Prayer, which does amazing intercessory worship. Over 60 people came to our church to receive prayer for healing, and many of them were miraculously touched and healed right on the spot. God's presence was so tangible in that place, and it just underscored to me why I love that church and those people so much -- especially the healing room ministers, who I've gotten to know and had the privilege to work with over the last 8 months. After the event was over and the ministers gathered to debrief, they told Stefan and I to stand in the middle of the room and they gathered around and prayed and kind of "commissioned" us -- some of them even gave us prophetic words and released words of knowledge over us. It was cool. But then some of the people I've grown to love and really care for started hugging us and praying for us and soon I was uncontrollably crying with sadness that I am leaving that place and those people that have been so important in my life. I will miss them dearly. I will miss their fellowship and encouragement.
And today was our last church service, and we said goodbye to our wonderful Pastor Scott, who is also majorly responsible for the person I've become, and I started crying again. Then I had dinner at my parents' house with my grandmother, who is turning 89 this month and who I won't be able to have in my life much longer, and (you guessed it) I cried once more.
But all this sadness and realizing how much I will miss our parents (his and mine), our families, our church, our friends -- just makes me feel so incredibly grateful that I have so many wonderful people in my life who I love and who I will miss. I am a deeply blessed person to know these people and be close to them.
I know that I will see them again -- this isn't a goodbye forever. It's the fact that we will be separated for a long time, that we will all go on growing without being able to share as much of it with each other, that's hard. Sometimes I think that goodbyes are so difficult because they foreshadow the final goodbyes that we face at death. But of course, for those of us that believe in heaven we have the hope and promise of seeing each other again, in joy.
And now I'm crying again. Oh, Lord. This week is going to be rough.
(I am truly happy and excited about going to Germany, though. But transitions are painful.)
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